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All the time you hear people say "Awww that baby is so sweet!" ... I can respectively disagree, they taste more salty than anything. That would change the cinema's wouldn't it, just sitting there waiting for the movie to start with a bag of babies in one hand and a can of coke in the other.

what do fat people wash in? a meteor shower.

I was eating a chocolate mouse one time and my friend told me I had some above my lip. With no intention what so ever I said "Look, I have a mouse tash ".

I dressed up as a giant eyebrow for Halloween and when I needed a drink I went into a shop. My confused face attracted a member of staff, they asked me "Can I help you?" I said "No thanks, I'm just browsing.

Two guys talking over the blueprints for a new house. One notices a door which leads to nowhere, he says "There's a flaw in this plan." The other replies, "I know and the stairs lead to a second."

"Shit Happens" tattoo, instead of being obvious and putting it on your ass, put it on your head, makes perfect sense!

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I did a google search for "One line comics", no books came up...

"Shit Happens" tattoo, instead of being obvious and putting it on your ass, put it on your head, makes perfect sense!

Two guys talking over the blueprints for a new house. One notices a door which leads to nowhere, he says "There's a flaw in this plan." The other replies, "I know and the stairs lead to a second."

Why is it so hard for Americans to get drunk? Because they have 49 other states to get through.

I started talking back to my music teacher, he said "You best watch your tone."

I can honestly say that that sitting on a greenhouse and falling through it is a real pane in the ass

What do Everton F.C and blondes have in common?
They both blow every chance they get.

Sometimes I wish I was a psychiatrist. So that when someone comes to me and tells me they have really low self esteem I could tell them the following; Close your eyes and now imagine you're a working steam train. Problem sorted.

When I lived in Greece I really got into the culture. I spent a whole afternoon with my hand stuck in an ancient vase.

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Why don't teddy bears eat anything? Because they're stuffed!

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend doesn't know I exist. I'm glad because if she did, she would kick me out of her wardrobe.

I have these boxers which has the turn on symbol for electronics and underneath they read "Turn me on". I think it's completely pointless because they are in the last layer of clothing. If you get to that layer and you're still not turned on then just put your clothes back on.

Me: Sup sailors!
girls: We're not sailors...
Me: I must be misinformed, I thought you liked seamen?!

I got a girl back to my crib the other night... I literally rocked her world.

What an ass! is the best sentence ever to be used. You can be both negative and positive. You can call someone an ass behind their back and if they find out you can pass it off as a compliment.

if you work in a shop and a woman comes in to buy condoms, tease her by saying no a few times. Eventually she'll say "Give it to me" and do.