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Why don't teddy bears eat anything? Because they're stuffed!

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend doesn't know I exist. I'm glad because if she did, she would kick me out of her wardrobe.

I have these boxers which has the turn on symbol for electronics and underneath they read "Turn me on". I think it's completely pointless because they are in the last layer of clothing. If you get to that layer and you're still not turned on then just put your clothes back on.

Me: Sup sailors!
girls: We're not sailors...
Me: I must be misinformed, I thought you liked seamen?!

I got a girl back to my crib the other night... I literally rocked her world.

What an ass! is the best sentence ever to be used. You can be both negative and positive. You can call someone an ass behind their back and if they find out you can pass it off as a compliment.

if you work in a shop and a woman comes in to buy condoms, tease her by saying no a few times. Eventually she'll say "Give it to me" and do.