.

All the time you hear people say "Awww that baby is so sweet!" ... I can respectively disagree, they taste more salty than anything. That would change the cinema's wouldn't it, just sitting there waiting for the movie to start with a bag of babies in one hand and a can of coke in the other.

what do fat people wash in? a meteor shower.

I was eating a chocolate mouse one time and my friend told me I had some above my lip. With no intention what so ever I said "Look, I have a mouse tash ".

I dressed up as a giant eyebrow for Halloween and when I needed a drink I went into a shop. My confused face attracted a member of staff, they asked me "Can I help you?" I said "No thanks, I'm just browsing.

Two guys talking over the blueprints for a new house. One notices a door which leads to nowhere, he says "There's a flaw in this plan." The other replies, "I know and the stairs lead to a second."

"Shit Happens" tattoo, instead of being obvious and putting it on your ass, put it on your head, makes perfect sense!