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Yo' Mama is so stupid her TV remote consist of only one button.

I got one of these new smartphone with assistive touch. So I went on the internet and typed in porn. The disappointment when you find out it doesn't actually work.


Imagine this as a horror situation:

Put a person in a room with a table in the middle of the room. On the table is a computer keyboard with only one key missing. Imagine the terror on their face when they realise there's no Escape.

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As a student I have to be careful with what I buy, but do you like my new computer fan?! ...

If I had a wife and we bought a house together I'd have to have a cellar, in case I got bored of her and wanted a new one.

Religion is belief and everyone tells me to believe in my self. The question I ask myself is, am I God?!

I used to present a TV shows streamed in old people's homes, I can comfortably say 'Mock the weak' was not an appropriate name.

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All the time you hear people say "Awww that baby is so sweet!" ... I can respectively disagree, they taste more salty than anything. That would change the cinema's wouldn't it, just sitting there waiting for the movie to start with a bag of babies in one hand and a can of coke in the other.

what do fat people wash in? a meteor shower.

I was eating a chocolate mouse one time and my friend told me I had some above my lip. With no intention what so ever I said "Look, I have a mouse tash ".

I dressed up as a giant eyebrow for Halloween and when I needed a drink I went into a shop. My confused face attracted a member of staff, they asked me "Can I help you?" I said "No thanks, I'm just browsing.

Two guys talking over the blueprints for a new house. One notices a door which leads to nowhere, he says "There's a flaw in this plan." The other replies, "I know and the stairs lead to a second."

"Shit Happens" tattoo, instead of being obvious and putting it on your ass, put it on your head, makes perfect sense!

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I did a google search for "One line comics", no books came up...

"Shit Happens" tattoo, instead of being obvious and putting it on your ass, put it on your head, makes perfect sense!

Two guys talking over the blueprints for a new house. One notices a door which leads to nowhere, he says "There's a flaw in this plan." The other replies, "I know and the stairs lead to a second."

Why is it so hard for Americans to get drunk? Because they have 49 other states to get through.

I started talking back to my music teacher, he said "You best watch your tone."

I can honestly say that that sitting on a greenhouse and falling through it is a real pane in the ass

What do Everton F.C and blondes have in common?
They both blow every chance they get.

Sometimes I wish I was a psychiatrist. So that when someone comes to me and tells me they have really low self esteem I could tell them the following; Close your eyes and now imagine you're a working steam train. Problem sorted.

When I lived in Greece I really got into the culture. I spent a whole afternoon with my hand stuck in an ancient vase.

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Why don't teddy bears eat anything? Because they're stuffed!

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend doesn't know I exist. I'm glad because if she did, she would kick me out of her wardrobe.

I have these boxers which has the turn on symbol for electronics and underneath they read "Turn me on". I think it's completely pointless because they are in the last layer of clothing. If you get to that layer and you're still not turned on then just put your clothes back on.

Me: Sup sailors!
girls: We're not sailors...
Me: I must be misinformed, I thought you liked seamen?!

I got a girl back to my crib the other night... I literally rocked her world.

What an ass! is the best sentence ever to be used. You can be both negative and positive. You can call someone an ass behind their back and if they find out you can pass it off as a compliment.

if you work in a shop and a woman comes in to buy condoms, tease her by saying no a few times. Eventually she'll say "Give it to me" and do.

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For a short period of time I was a door to door comedian, I tried doing knock knock jokes but I never encountered for the windows in the doors nowadays.

why do journalists hate anti-wrinkle cream? because their job consists of making headlines.

In bed, what do nerds and Iphones have in common? They're both one touch away from being turned on and they both support quicktime.

My friend asked me, do you use spotify? I said what's that? he explained and I said, "Can you spell it for me?". He went on to..."s-p-o-t-i-f-Y" I replied "Just wondering."

what's the hardest word to spell during foreplay for a woman? Penis, it's always at the tip of their tongue but doesn't quite come out.

apparently the only 'B' word a girl should be called is "Beautiful, unless it's followed by "Get me a sandwich."

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Software programming is like a one night stand. It only takes one mistake to fuck it all up and then you can spend the next month debugging it.

On Friday nights I'm like a computer virus. I pretend to be something I'm not so I can get the information I need and then screw you over.

Why would you name an internet browser "Firefox"? That's like naming your pet dog "Fridge".

News reports show that a blonde died last week from dehydration while sitting at her computer. A forensics team noticed that the only worn out key on her keyboard was F5.

My wife said "You never listen to me", I replied, sure I do, I hear the water running in the kitchen every day.".