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Yo' Mama is so stupid her TV remote consist of only one button.

I got one of these new smartphone with assistive touch. So I went on the internet and typed in porn. The disappointment when you find out it doesn't actually work.


Imagine this as a horror situation:

Put a person in a room with a table in the middle of the room. On the table is a computer keyboard with only one key missing. Imagine the terror on their face when they realise there's no Escape.

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As a student I have to be careful with what I buy, but do you like my new computer fan?! ...

If I had a wife and we bought a house together I'd have to have a cellar, in case I got bored of her and wanted a new one.

Religion is belief and everyone tells me to believe in my self. The question I ask myself is, am I God?!

I used to present a TV shows streamed in old people's homes, I can comfortably say 'Mock the weak' was not an appropriate name.

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All the time you hear people say "Awww that baby is so sweet!" ... I can respectively disagree, they taste more salty than anything. That would change the cinema's wouldn't it, just sitting there waiting for the movie to start with a bag of babies in one hand and a can of coke in the other.

what do fat people wash in? a meteor shower.

I was eating a chocolate mouse one time and my friend told me I had some above my lip. With no intention what so ever I said "Look, I have a mouse tash ".

I dressed up as a giant eyebrow for Halloween and when I needed a drink I went into a shop. My confused face attracted a member of staff, they asked me "Can I help you?" I said "No thanks, I'm just browsing.

Two guys talking over the blueprints for a new house. One notices a door which leads to nowhere, he says "There's a flaw in this plan." The other replies, "I know and the stairs lead to a second."

"Shit Happens" tattoo, instead of being obvious and putting it on your ass, put it on your head, makes perfect sense!

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I did a google search for "One line comics", no books came up...

"Shit Happens" tattoo, instead of being obvious and putting it on your ass, put it on your head, makes perfect sense!

Two guys talking over the blueprints for a new house. One notices a door which leads to nowhere, he says "There's a flaw in this plan." The other replies, "I know and the stairs lead to a second."

Why is it so hard for Americans to get drunk? Because they have 49 other states to get through.

I started talking back to my music teacher, he said "You best watch your tone."

I can honestly say that that sitting on a greenhouse and falling through it is a real pane in the ass

What do Everton F.C and blondes have in common?
They both blow every chance they get.

Sometimes I wish I was a psychiatrist. So that when someone comes to me and tells me they have really low self esteem I could tell them the following; Close your eyes and now imagine you're a working steam train. Problem sorted.

When I lived in Greece I really got into the culture. I spent a whole afternoon with my hand stuck in an ancient vase.

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Why don't teddy bears eat anything? Because they're stuffed!

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend doesn't know I exist. I'm glad because if she did, she would kick me out of her wardrobe.

I have these boxers which has the turn on symbol for electronics and underneath they read "Turn me on". I think it's completely pointless because they are in the last layer of clothing. If you get to that layer and you're still not turned on then just put your clothes back on.

Me: Sup sailors!
girls: We're not sailors...
Me: I must be misinformed, I thought you liked seamen?!

I got a girl back to my crib the other night... I literally rocked her world.

What an ass! is the best sentence ever to be used. You can be both negative and positive. You can call someone an ass behind their back and if they find out you can pass it off as a compliment.

if you work in a shop and a woman comes in to buy condoms, tease her by saying no a few times. Eventually she'll say "Give it to me" and do.

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For a short period of time I was a door to door comedian, I tried doing knock knock jokes but I never encountered for the windows in the doors nowadays.

why do journalists hate anti-wrinkle cream? because their job consists of making headlines.

In bed, what do nerds and Iphones have in common? They're both one touch away from being turned on and they both support quicktime.

My friend asked me, do you use spotify? I said what's that? he explained and I said, "Can you spell it for me?". He went on to..."s-p-o-t-i-f-Y" I replied "Just wondering."

what's the hardest word to spell during foreplay for a woman? Penis, it's always at the tip of their tongue but doesn't quite come out.

apparently the only 'B' word a girl should be called is "Beautiful, unless it's followed by "Get me a sandwich."

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Software programming is like a one night stand. It only takes one mistake to fuck it all up and then you can spend the next month debugging it.

On Friday nights I'm like a computer virus. I pretend to be something I'm not so I can get the information I need and then screw you over.

Why would you name an internet browser "Firefox"? That's like naming your pet dog "Fridge".

News reports show that a blonde died last week from dehydration while sitting at her computer. A forensics team noticed that the only worn out key on her keyboard was F5.

My wife said "You never listen to me", I replied, sure I do, I hear the water running in the kitchen every day.".

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I think Iphones are brilliant but they do break quite easily. For example I had a 3Gs and I accidentally dropped it. My screen broke a bit but still worked perfectly fine. That is until my flatmate decided to try and take it from my hand one night and ended up squeezing the screen and cracking it further.

Now I'm a student and therefore fixing my phone isn't priority. Unfortunately the spacebar had stopped working from that incident, making it hard to text in English rather than gibberish. I had to put every new word starting with a capital letter so that the recipient knew when one word ended and another began.

Worst of all, my screen was cracked on the bottom left hand side where the punctuation button was. So not only did my capitalization button not work half the time, but I could also not use punctuation, numbers or smileys. Instead I resulted in writing them out; "Haha that's funny SmileyFace", or "I'm sorry for your loss SadFace".

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A little kid walks into a pub and asks, do you have any peanuts? the barman says no sorry. The kid leaves but returns the next day and asks the same question, excuse me, have you got any peanuts. The bartender replies, look kid I told you yesterday now don't come back and ask again! The kid leaves but comes back again the next day. He asks, excuse me, do you have any peanuts? The bartender says no and if you come back again I will chuck you out. The kid leaves and comes back the next day. The bartender chucks him out and says next time you come in I will hang you on the wall. So the kid, regardless of what the barman said, goes back the next day and once again asks for some peanuts. The  barman then keeps to his word and hangs him on the wall. While hanging there the kid sees a picture of Jesus next to him and says, did you ask for peanuts too?

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The other day I was walking past a Mc Donalds and for the first time in my life I'd saw one with scaffolding surrounding it. At that point I realised that Maccies has become so fattening that even the buildings require support.

I went to America on holiday during the summer and I went out clubbing when I met this beautiful girl. I went over to her and started talking to her. She asked me, if you could be a farmer or a builder which would it be? I said builder, farmers are too corny.

I think before he died, Gaddafi  should have been prosecuted with copyright theft. He stole his whole defence system from minesweeper.

A blonde went for a job interview to become the owner of a company. The interviewer said she wasn't fit for the job. She spent the next two years exercising every day only to be turned down again.

Don't put a blonde nerd on an online dating site. Where is says number she'll enter her ip address.

At a club I never go for tall girls, I'm scared of heights.

I was at a One Direction concert the other day then I noticed that direction was the exit.

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I feel sorry for gay prostitutes, work must be a pain in the ass.

When I run I like to go through cow fields, it gets the calves working.

How do Eskimos start flirting? By breaking the ice.

If you're on a date with a girl you should take her to a theme park and go on the log flumes, gets them wet every time.

What do Saddam Hussein and a drunk have in common?
-They both end up hanging.

When my last girlfriend broke up with me I asked her "Is it the sex?", she said, "Yes I'm a lesbian".

I tried creating a fart machine, but it back fired.

Why don't gay people ever win at hide and seek?
- Because they're always in the closet.

What's a terrorist's favourite car?
-Citroen C4.

I used to be a horse jockey, in every race I was more than a head from everybody.

I had a tiny shit the other day, I named it winnie the pooh.

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why did the Eskimo put his wife in the top compartment of the fridge?
- To freezer

What do dim lights and blondes have in common?
- They both tend to be hot but not too bright.

When it comes to funerals I'm not a mourning person, I like to sleep in.

Went to the pub with some friends, I ordered a pint of Stella Artois and one of them said to me, "it's only 4.8 %, you won't feel that." I said, "Yeah, but my wife will".

God created wasps by accident, he accidentally gave flies some red bull after that they were buzzing...

I used to be a professional poker dealer but I got the sack because I kept burning the cards.


I found out dogs become lazy once you name them. I named my dog 'sit' and now he never moves!

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A girl is like an xbox, you play with them for an hour, get bored and don't turn them on again for a while.

The wife had a go at me for not doing any DIY... so she stopped sleeping with me so that I didn't have a choice.

Woman have two sides... so even if you buy a double bed, you're bound to end up on the sofa.

What do you call a man who has sexual fetish for a cow? Beef Jerky.

What do girls and TV's have in common? They both have three input slots, two for audio and one used for video.

You can't beat a blowjob, so don't beat your woman!

Don't ever pick up a homeless hitchhiker, they'll never go home.

Homeless hitchhikers are the best type, because if you don't want them in your car anymore, you can just dump them anywhere and not feel sorry for them.

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I like my drinks still... chasing them is too exhausting.

I spent a whole day playing the first lord of the rings game. I thought to myself, I should probably start revising, but I played the rest of the level. I'm glad that I did because Gandalf came on and said to me "You shalt not pass". So I thought what's the point? He was so right.

My girlfriend started driving me mad, so I drove her off a cliff.

I was a lollipop man for a week. I got fired because I ate them all.

My friend's relationships don't last very long. I guess you could say the girls he goes out with and the milk he drinks have one very big thing in common, they both go off after a week or two.

Why do prostitutes play a lot of pool? It's the only time that it's legal for them to put balls in their pockets.

I don't trust prostitutes, most of what comes out of their mouths is bollocks!

Treat a gamer like you would treat a tomato. Give them food and drink and don't leave them in direct sunlight.

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Tried making a manwich the other day, then I realised they contradict each other.

What process do snitches require? photosynthesis.

I was scrolling through facebook and I girl's status was: "Chucky dolls are so cute". I commented "yeah until they try to kill you".

Where do you find pricks? on hollyday.

Smart people work with logic, stupid people work with dumbells.

people keep asking me, why don't you stay fit? I keep telling them, It's hard to keep it up. Girls then ask me why don't you last longer in bed? I tell them, "Same problem"

All pencils are suicidal. Their life is drawing them towards a blunt ending.

My wife has been on my back for years, making me do work round the house, visit her family. Then she started bugging me to start reading a bit at night before I go to sleep. so I started reading a book entitled "How to make your wife's death look like an accident".

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I slept with this girl and in the morning I asked her, "Are you sure you haven't got HIV?" she said, "I'm positive".

A woman is like a bank. The more money you put in, the more interest you get back.

A Gangsta camel attended a sex addicts meeting. When it came to his turn to speak he just said "I has two humps".

In my spare time I do lightsaber battles, unfortunately 2 years ago I got my hand chopped off. They call me hand solo.

When I was younger I tried jumping off a table to see if I could fly, I know you've all tried it! Anyway, I obviously couldn't so I was sulking for the rest of the day. My mum then came into my room that night and asked "What's keeping you down?" so I said "Gravity."

I have a friend who's like a twig. Very thin and if you shine a light on him long enough he leaves.

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A roll on says to the lynx dry,"I'm better at stopping perspiration than you", the lynx says "Are you Sure?"

If I was to be anything I would be a triangle. That way others wouldn't care if I went off on a tangent.

One positive of being a triangle is that it's easy to find acute girlfriend.

my COSINE is so religious she thought is was a SIN to TAN.

what's the difference between blondes and bin liners?
-bin liners hold rubbish in, blondes just let it all out.

I went to a casino the other day and I stood next to a blonde girl, I put all my money on red 15... I ended up losing it... so much for dumb luck.

Internet porn- giving sticky keys a whole new meaning.

I'm more of a one line comedian.
-I write most my jokes on notepad.

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Some guys become shit heads just to get some ass.

a pig goes to a bar and starts chatting up a wolf, he says "You blow me away"

a cow says to a horse, "so what's your upside?" the horse replies "I'm an animal in the bedroom"

I went to my friend's house one day, I decided to try drugs for the first time and ended up in a horse field. The horses didn't really like the fact I was there, but in the end I got a good kick out of it.

I went to get my braces done and I sat down and got all comfy when the doctor came in and said
"Brace yourself". I said, "I'm sure you're supposed to do that.

I made a twitter account for my budgie, it tweeted too much so I made it a facebook account and poked it off its branch.

I have a friend with glasses, he's the type I would call a spectacular friend.

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My mum and dad decided to come and visit me at uni. I thought I would show them my halls of residence, the rest of the flat was a mess.

My mum was never too good at making jokes but then my dad helped her and BOOM! here I am.

What did the alcoholic say to the doctor? Can I have a shot?

I was waiting in the doctor's waiting room and I heard this couple talking. Turns out the guy had what you call inflamed testicles. I turned to him and I said, look on the bright side, you're not ginger, once they start puberty they have it 24/7.

The sun is a star that was neglected as a child and now requires anger management.

I could fly, if gravity would stop holding me down.

My friend updated her facebook status the other day. She said "Kitty wants to play, But I can't be bothered." So I commented. "If you don't want to play with your pussy I will."

I got a fake ID last week. I'm already 18 but who doesn't want two birthdays?!

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What do you say to taunt your girlfriend after you've cheated on her?
-You jelly bro?

It must have been so easy for Frank Lampard to cheat on his wife. If she asked how his day had been he could just reply, "It's been great, I scored!"

Driving over the Severn bridge takes its toll.

People say life is too short, so I tell them to grow up.

I went to a club and my mate told me to try out some pick up lines. Elevate, gather and uplift just had no effect.

My computer said please refresh and try again so I gave it some cold water and it froze.