.

For a short period of time I was a door to door comedian, I tried doing knock knock jokes but I never encountered for the windows in the doors nowadays.

why do journalists hate anti-wrinkle cream? because their job consists of making headlines.

In bed, what do nerds and Iphones have in common? They're both one touch away from being turned on and they both support quicktime.

My friend asked me, do you use spotify? I said what's that? he explained and I said, "Can you spell it for me?". He went on to..."s-p-o-t-i-f-Y" I replied "Just wondering."

what's the hardest word to spell during foreplay for a woman? Penis, it's always at the tip of their tongue but doesn't quite come out.

apparently the only 'B' word a girl should be called is "Beautiful, unless it's followed by "Get me a sandwich."

.

Software programming is like a one night stand. It only takes one mistake to fuck it all up and then you can spend the next month debugging it.

On Friday nights I'm like a computer virus. I pretend to be something I'm not so I can get the information I need and then screw you over.

Why would you name an internet browser "Firefox"? That's like naming your pet dog "Fridge".

News reports show that a blonde died last week from dehydration while sitting at her computer. A forensics team noticed that the only worn out key on her keyboard was F5.

My wife said "You never listen to me", I replied, sure I do, I hear the water running in the kitchen every day.".

.

I think Iphones are brilliant but they do break quite easily. For example I had a 3Gs and I accidentally dropped it. My screen broke a bit but still worked perfectly fine. That is until my flatmate decided to try and take it from my hand one night and ended up squeezing the screen and cracking it further.

Now I'm a student and therefore fixing my phone isn't priority. Unfortunately the spacebar had stopped working from that incident, making it hard to text in English rather than gibberish. I had to put every new word starting with a capital letter so that the recipient knew when one word ended and another began.

Worst of all, my screen was cracked on the bottom left hand side where the punctuation button was. So not only did my capitalization button not work half the time, but I could also not use punctuation, numbers or smileys. Instead I resulted in writing them out; "Haha that's funny SmileyFace", or "I'm sorry for your loss SadFace".

.

A little kid walks into a pub and asks, do you have any peanuts? the barman says no sorry. The kid leaves but returns the next day and asks the same question, excuse me, have you got any peanuts. The bartender replies, look kid I told you yesterday now don't come back and ask again! The kid leaves but comes back again the next day. He asks, excuse me, do you have any peanuts? The bartender says no and if you come back again I will chuck you out. The kid leaves and comes back the next day. The bartender chucks him out and says next time you come in I will hang you on the wall. So the kid, regardless of what the barman said, goes back the next day and once again asks for some peanuts. The  barman then keeps to his word and hangs him on the wall. While hanging there the kid sees a picture of Jesus next to him and says, did you ask for peanuts too?

.

The other day I was walking past a Mc Donalds and for the first time in my life I'd saw one with scaffolding surrounding it. At that point I realised that Maccies has become so fattening that even the buildings require support.

I went to America on holiday during the summer and I went out clubbing when I met this beautiful girl. I went over to her and started talking to her. She asked me, if you could be a farmer or a builder which would it be? I said builder, farmers are too corny.

I think before he died, Gaddafi  should have been prosecuted with copyright theft. He stole his whole defence system from minesweeper.

A blonde went for a job interview to become the owner of a company. The interviewer said she wasn't fit for the job. She spent the next two years exercising every day only to be turned down again.

Don't put a blonde nerd on an online dating site. Where is says number she'll enter her ip address.

At a club I never go for tall girls, I'm scared of heights.

I was at a One Direction concert the other day then I noticed that direction was the exit.