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I feel sorry for gay prostitutes, work must be a pain in the ass.

When I run I like to go through cow fields, it gets the calves working.

How do Eskimos start flirting? By breaking the ice.

If you're on a date with a girl you should take her to a theme park and go on the log flumes, gets them wet every time.

What do Saddam Hussein and a drunk have in common?
-They both end up hanging.

When my last girlfriend broke up with me I asked her "Is it the sex?", she said, "Yes I'm a lesbian".

I tried creating a fart machine, but it back fired.

Why don't gay people ever win at hide and seek?
- Because they're always in the closet.

What's a terrorist's favourite car?
-Citroen C4.

I used to be a horse jockey, in every race I was more than a head from everybody.

I had a tiny shit the other day, I named it winnie the pooh.

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why did the Eskimo put his wife in the top compartment of the fridge?
- To freezer

What do dim lights and blondes have in common?
- They both tend to be hot but not too bright.

When it comes to funerals I'm not a mourning person, I like to sleep in.

Went to the pub with some friends, I ordered a pint of Stella Artois and one of them said to me, "it's only 4.8 %, you won't feel that." I said, "Yeah, but my wife will".

God created wasps by accident, he accidentally gave flies some red bull after that they were buzzing...

I used to be a professional poker dealer but I got the sack because I kept burning the cards.


I found out dogs become lazy once you name them. I named my dog 'sit' and now he never moves!

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A girl is like an xbox, you play with them for an hour, get bored and don't turn them on again for a while.

The wife had a go at me for not doing any DIY... so she stopped sleeping with me so that I didn't have a choice.

Woman have two sides... so even if you buy a double bed, you're bound to end up on the sofa.

What do you call a man who has sexual fetish for a cow? Beef Jerky.

What do girls and TV's have in common? They both have three input slots, two for audio and one used for video.

You can't beat a blowjob, so don't beat your woman!

Don't ever pick up a homeless hitchhiker, they'll never go home.

Homeless hitchhikers are the best type, because if you don't want them in your car anymore, you can just dump them anywhere and not feel sorry for them.

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I like my drinks still... chasing them is too exhausting.

I spent a whole day playing the first lord of the rings game. I thought to myself, I should probably start revising, but I played the rest of the level. I'm glad that I did because Gandalf came on and said to me "You shalt not pass". So I thought what's the point? He was so right.

My girlfriend started driving me mad, so I drove her off a cliff.

I was a lollipop man for a week. I got fired because I ate them all.

My friend's relationships don't last very long. I guess you could say the girls he goes out with and the milk he drinks have one very big thing in common, they both go off after a week or two.

Why do prostitutes play a lot of pool? It's the only time that it's legal for them to put balls in their pockets.

I don't trust prostitutes, most of what comes out of their mouths is bollocks!

Treat a gamer like you would treat a tomato. Give them food and drink and don't leave them in direct sunlight.

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Tried making a manwich the other day, then I realised they contradict each other.

What process do snitches require? photosynthesis.

I was scrolling through facebook and I girl's status was: "Chucky dolls are so cute". I commented "yeah until they try to kill you".

Where do you find pricks? on hollyday.

Smart people work with logic, stupid people work with dumbells.

people keep asking me, why don't you stay fit? I keep telling them, It's hard to keep it up. Girls then ask me why don't you last longer in bed? I tell them, "Same problem"

All pencils are suicidal. Their life is drawing them towards a blunt ending.

My wife has been on my back for years, making me do work round the house, visit her family. Then she started bugging me to start reading a bit at night before I go to sleep. so I started reading a book entitled "How to make your wife's death look like an accident".

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I slept with this girl and in the morning I asked her, "Are you sure you haven't got HIV?" she said, "I'm positive".

A woman is like a bank. The more money you put in, the more interest you get back.

A Gangsta camel attended a sex addicts meeting. When it came to his turn to speak he just said "I has two humps".

In my spare time I do lightsaber battles, unfortunately 2 years ago I got my hand chopped off. They call me hand solo.

When I was younger I tried jumping off a table to see if I could fly, I know you've all tried it! Anyway, I obviously couldn't so I was sulking for the rest of the day. My mum then came into my room that night and asked "What's keeping you down?" so I said "Gravity."

I have a friend who's like a twig. Very thin and if you shine a light on him long enough he leaves.

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A roll on says to the lynx dry,"I'm better at stopping perspiration than you", the lynx says "Are you Sure?"

If I was to be anything I would be a triangle. That way others wouldn't care if I went off on a tangent.

One positive of being a triangle is that it's easy to find acute girlfriend.

my COSINE is so religious she thought is was a SIN to TAN.

what's the difference between blondes and bin liners?
-bin liners hold rubbish in, blondes just let it all out.

I went to a casino the other day and I stood next to a blonde girl, I put all my money on red 15... I ended up losing it... so much for dumb luck.

Internet porn- giving sticky keys a whole new meaning.

I'm more of a one line comedian.
-I write most my jokes on notepad.

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Some guys become shit heads just to get some ass.

a pig goes to a bar and starts chatting up a wolf, he says "You blow me away"

a cow says to a horse, "so what's your upside?" the horse replies "I'm an animal in the bedroom"

I went to my friend's house one day, I decided to try drugs for the first time and ended up in a horse field. The horses didn't really like the fact I was there, but in the end I got a good kick out of it.

I went to get my braces done and I sat down and got all comfy when the doctor came in and said
"Brace yourself". I said, "I'm sure you're supposed to do that.

I made a twitter account for my budgie, it tweeted too much so I made it a facebook account and poked it off its branch.

I have a friend with glasses, he's the type I would call a spectacular friend.

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My mum and dad decided to come and visit me at uni. I thought I would show them my halls of residence, the rest of the flat was a mess.

My mum was never too good at making jokes but then my dad helped her and BOOM! here I am.

What did the alcoholic say to the doctor? Can I have a shot?

I was waiting in the doctor's waiting room and I heard this couple talking. Turns out the guy had what you call inflamed testicles. I turned to him and I said, look on the bright side, you're not ginger, once they start puberty they have it 24/7.

The sun is a star that was neglected as a child and now requires anger management.

I could fly, if gravity would stop holding me down.

My friend updated her facebook status the other day. She said "Kitty wants to play, But I can't be bothered." So I commented. "If you don't want to play with your pussy I will."

I got a fake ID last week. I'm already 18 but who doesn't want two birthdays?!

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What do you say to taunt your girlfriend after you've cheated on her?
-You jelly bro?

It must have been so easy for Frank Lampard to cheat on his wife. If she asked how his day had been he could just reply, "It's been great, I scored!"

Driving over the Severn bridge takes its toll.

People say life is too short, so I tell them to grow up.

I went to a club and my mate told me to try out some pick up lines. Elevate, gather and uplift just had no effect.

My computer said please refresh and try again so I gave it some cold water and it froze.